A Good First Impression

Inspired by an actual conversation with this guy.

[INT. DAVE'S ROOM - NIGHT]

[Keeley and Dave are playing "Left 4 Dead" on Steam. Over shotgun blasts and undead screams, Keeley speaks casually into the microphone.]

Moi: "Dave, I need you to do me a favor."

Dave: "Unlikely."

Moi: "There's an apartment in the Northwest District that just opened up, and I called the lady today, and she wants to give it to me. But I don't want to rent it site unseen, because you don't know what you're actually getting. Like the last place, where the guy in high heels was taking a long brunch - "

Dave: "Keeley, listening to you summarize something is worse than watching you waste half a clip on that dead fat man you're shooting at."

Moi: "I need you to look at an apartment in Portland for me."

Dave: "Done. Details?"

Moi: "The apartment manager can meet with you around 2 o'clock. Her name is Mary Jane - "

Dave: "DRESSING AS SPIDERMAN."

Moi: "NOPE."

Dave: "YEP."

Moi: "NOOOOOOPE."

Dave: "Try to stop me, you can't."

Moi: "Funny story, Dave - I actually want this apartment, so you're not doing that."

Dave: "Maybe she'll be so blown away by my creativity that she'll immediately give you the apartment at a discounted rate and then take me back into her office for some unrated superpowered action."

Moi: "No Spiderman suit and no realtor desk nastiness."

Dave: "You never let me do anything fun."

Moi: "I'll email you the address."

Dave: "Fine."

Moi: "No Spiderman suit."

Dave: "Fine."

Moi: "Thank you."

Dave: "Fine. Stop slapping me with that first aid pack."

Moi: "I'm trying to heal you, moron!"

Dave: "THEN BUY A DOUBLE CLICK MOUSE, MAC USER."

[INT. FRANCIS COURT APARTMENTS - THE NEXT DAY]

[Keeley apologizes to the realtor over the phone.]

Moi: "I'm so sorry, Mary Jane, he said he'd come."

Mary Jane: "That's okay, we can always reschedule a time - Oh! Hang on, I think I see someone coming."

[A pause.]

Mary Jane: "...He wouldn't be wearing a Spiderman suit, would he?"

Moi: "Nope."

Mary Jane: "Are you s- "

Moi: "YEP."

*WELLATLEASTSHECANBLOGABOUTIT!*

There's a Lawyer Joke In Here Somewhere

[INT. KEELEY'S HOUSE - A DECEMBER DAY:]

[The doorbell RINGS. As Keeley goes to answer it, Alex BURSTS into the foyer.]

Alex: "WHO WANTS TO PARTY LIKE A FUTURE LAWYER?!"

Moi: "AHAAA! I heard someone just took the LSAT! Congratulations!

Alex: "Well, you know, third time's the charm, am I right?"

Moi: "YEA -...What a second, you signed up to take the LSAT three times? What happened the other two times?"

Alex: "...Pretty sure you know what happened, Keeley."

Moi: "Why would I know?"

[INT. ATHENS, OH, Spring 2010 - Two Hour Before The LSAT]

[At his desk, Alex closes his LSAT practice book. He stands to leave - the door SLAMS open, Keeley stands there grinning.]

Moi: "HEY ALEX, GUESS WHO JUST LEARNED HOW TO PROJECTILE VOMIT!?"

[Back to PRESENT DAY - ]

Alex: "It was like a terrifying human sprinkler that wouldn't stop until it hit every item on my desk."

Moi: "Are you sure that was me? That doesn't sound like me."

Alex: "PRETTY SURE IT WAS YOU, KEELEY."

Moi: "Well, what happened the second time?"

[INT. CLEVELAND STATE UNIVERSITY, Summer 2010 - One Hour Before The LSAT]

[Alex navigates a campus building, looking for the LSAT testing room. He examines a paper, turns a corner - to find KEELEY in front of him, surrounded by a large GROUP OF PEOPLE.]

Moi: "HEY ALEX, GUESS WHO JUST FOUND OUT THAT THERE'S A PROJECTILE VOMITING CLUB?!"

[Back to PRESENT DAY - ]

Alex: "I was in the Trauma Unit for THREE DAYS after that little display."

Moi: "Ah, so that's why you didn't go see Inception with us."

Alex: "Point being, I managed to get through the toughest standardized test in America without you vomiting on me, and I think that's cause for celebration. So if you feel like coming over later to get drunk and play Infamous, my door's open."

Moi: "...So I take it you would mind if I invited the projectile vomiting dance squad and marching band."

Alex: "...Why in God's name do those exist?"

Moi: "Oh, you should see them. The mess is unimaginable."

*THEYWERETHEONLYREASONTOGOTOTHECLUBFAIR!*

PS - Congrats to Alex Levin on surviving the LSAT. We raise our glasses to him.

Politics and Syrup

[INT. Alex Levin's Apartment, Athens, OH...]

*Alex sits at his desk, completely and utterly dejected. Which is pretty understandable, seeing as he's not only a political science major during an economic downturn, but also Jewish. Like, really Jewish. Which must suck so hard for him. I mean, I'm a ridiculously good looking Gentile and this is rough for me, so I can't even imagine - *

Alex: "ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT, YOU'RE HILARIOUS."

*Then Alex, who clearly doesn't understand how characters are supposed to behave within a written medium with an omnipresent narration - "

Alex: "I hope you die."

* - was hit with some GREAT NEWS!*

Alex: "Wait, what?"

*An envelope tied to a BRICK comings CRASHING through Alex's window, slamming him in the side of the face. He sits up, stunned, unravels the envelope, and reads...*

Alex: "...Oh my God..."

*Alex stands, clutching the envelope in hand, clearly shell-shocked. The phone RINGS, startling him out of his reverie. He picks it up.*

Moi: "JEW!"

Alex: "Keeley! Great timing! Listen, you won't believe what I just - "

Moi: "Your problems, don't care, shut up. Listen. Something fucking incredible is happening to me right now."

Alex: "...Look Keeley, judging from past experience, there's no reason for me to doubt that's true - "

[INT. Alex's Apartment, 3 years Ago...]

Moi: "...and then, did you know the emperor penguins BOW to each other? Like, royalty?"

Alex: "I think you might've mentioned it when you started this story three hours ago."

Moi: "Ahhh, silly penguins!"

[INT. Alex's Apartment, 2 Years Ago...]

Moi: "I call them Snuggie-Dogs! They're like pigs in a blanket, but they keep your intestines warm, and there's way more fiber than the regular dough!"

Alex: {O_O} "Oh my god, have you eaten half of that Snuggie already?"

Moi: *pink fibers hanging from mouth; eyes watering* "Mmm! Yeah man, you're really missing out!"

[INT. Alex's Apartment, Last Summer...]

*Keeley is wrapped in a slightly-chewed Snuggie, sobbing*

Moi: "And then Bartlett stood up and he's okay, but we haven't been able to find Josh, and I think CJ hit her head! It was awful, Alex! It all happened so fast, and nobody's telling me anything! What if someone's hurt? How can I live with myself?"

Alex: "...Was that the first season finale of The West Wing?"

[Back to the PRESENT...]

Alex: "But this news I just got is really, REALLY big, and I'd really like to tell you about it BEFORE you launch into some retarded, looping, I'm sure very important-to-you story. "

Moi: "NO! CAN'T WAIT! This is TIME SENSITIVE, ALEX. This is HUGE."

Alex: "Keeley - "

Moi: "I'm hanging up."

Alex: "FINE, ALRIGHT. Go first, but make it quick!"

Moi: "Yeeesssss." *fist pump sounds* "So, okay, so, I went to pick up my friend from the bus station this morning, right? And it was early enough to get McDonald's breakfast, so we figured why the hell not, and I got one of those Egg McGriddle things?"

Alex: "Alright."

Moi: "So, I'm eating the McGriddle, okay. And GUESS WHAT?"

*Silence. A long, pregnant pause...*

Moi: "Why aren't you guessing?"

Alex: "JESUS CHRIST - "

Moi: "FINE, I'll just tell you. Alex. *lowers voice* There is syrup... insidethe actual english muffin. Like, injected into the bread itself."

*A very long, awe-struck pause.*

Alex: "...Are you kidding me?"

Moi: "I KNOW, RIGHT?! How crazy is that? They might have used asyringe or something, man, I don't know - "

Alex: "No, idiot, I mean, that's it? That was your big news?!"

Moi: "What the hell do you mean, that's it? Do you know what it's like, eating this thing? There are little syrup blisters all over the place. I keep biting down on them and they're popping in my mouth like little maple-flavored bouncing betties. It's a battlefield down here! It's like eating a leper, only probably worse for you! "

Alex: "Keeley - "

Moi: "WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST DRIZZLE THE SYRUP BETWEEN THE BUNS, ALEX?! WHAT CAUSED THEM TO GO THIS EXTRA MILE?!"

Alex: "Well, that's great and all, but put it down for a minute and shut up, because I have actual news to tell you."

*Through the phone receiver: Loud, syrupy chomping.*

Moi: "Hit me."

Alex: "I just a got a letter from the jobs I applied for, and I have FIVE INTERVIEWS. FIVE!! All of them are in DC, all of them pay very well, and all of them seem really excited to have me on! This could be it, Keeley! Going to DC, working for a Senator, trying to change the world - this is exactly what I've wanted!"

*Pause.*

Moi "...Yeah, not as important as McGriddle-gate, Alex."

Alex: "KEELEY."

Moi: "Just sayin'."

Alex: "But - wha - What the hell's the matter with you?! This is the best news I've had all year! Why can't you just be a normal friend, FOR ONCE, and tell me that you're happy for me and that this is fantastic news?!"

Moi: "Because friendships are built on mutual trust, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that my story was way more important to society as a whole."

Alex: "You know what? Screw you. I'm hanging up."

Moi: "Yeah okay, buddy, you do that. You hang up and go about your business, but there'll come a time when you're going to WISH you had appreciated - ACK! BLEERUGH, PHHT." *sputtering; hacking* "...God DAMN it, how are there so many syrup bubbles in this thing, you can't get away from them - "

*Alex SLAMS the phone down, storms away. Three seconds later, the phone RINGS. After a moment, Alex returns, picks it up.*

Moi: "By the way, congratulations. That's really fantastic."

Alex: "Thanks, asshole."

*He SLAMS the phone down again.*

[THE OFFICES OF DEAN MICHELS, WASHINGTON DC, THREE WEEKS LATER...]

*Alex and Dean Michels - Important Washington Senator - have brunch together. Alex, smoothing his tie, concludes his pitch.*

Alex: "So, sir, between my curve-setting GPA and prior experience with political campaigning, I truly believe that I'd be the perfect man for the... uh, sir?"

Dean Michels is staring into his McGriddle, entranced.

Dean Michels: "Holy shit, Levin, there is syrup inside this muffin. It's like injected in there... are you looking at this right now?"

Alex: "..."

Dean Michels: "Amazing, the things Americans come up with. By the way, have you heard of this new thing called a 'Snuggie Dog'?"

*CONGRATULATIONSALEXBUTITSSTILLNOTASIMPORTANT!*

Twitter: A Love Story

[OCTOBER, 2009]

[Alice and Keeley sit, watching a guest speaker.]

Tech Speaker: "Thanks guys! If you like me, follow me on Twitter!"  

Alice: "Pssht, Twitter..."

Moi: "What's Twitter?"

Alice: "It's a place where people can follow what celebrities are taking a shit or walking their dog or whatever. Basically it's where you can spy on people with better lives than you until you pass out in a puddle of your own self loathing."

Moi: "Sounds stupid."

Alice: "Yeah, never jumping on that bandwagon."

[JUNE 2010]

Alice: "I just jumped on that bandwagon."

Moi: "...What?"

Alice: "I just got a Twitter."

Moi: "HA HA HAAAA, HOW UNFORTUNATE FOR YOU."

Alice: "You should get a Twitter, too."

Moi: "Uh, yeah, that's not happening."

[JULY]

Alice: "Get a Twitter."

Moi: "No."

[AUGUST.]

Alice: "Get a Twitter."

Moi: "No."

[SEPTEMBER.]

Alice: "GET A TWITTER."

Moi: "NO, ALICE. I AM NEVER GETTING A GOD DAMN TWITTER."

[EARLY OCTOBER.]

Moi: "I JUST GOT A GOD DAMN TWITTER."

Alice: "YAY!"

[MID-OCTOBER.]

Moi: "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS GOD DAMN TWITTER?"

Alice: "Go do something worth tweeting about, moron." 

Moi: "Yeah, that sounds like a great way to live my life."

Alice: "Or you could just wait until the novelty wears out, and then forget about it like you've forgotten about every other commitment in your life."

Moi: "Whatever, Alice. I'm going back to reading Stephen Fry's tweets until I pass out in a puddle of my own self loathing."

[LATE OCTOBER.]

Moi: "Oh, hey, I just got a job in Portland."

Alice: "You should post something about it on Twitter!"

Moi: "What's Twitter?"

*FOLLOWME@VERTEDINDE*

The Making of a Ladies Man

[INT. KEELEY'S KITCHEN - DAY...]

[Keeley stands around her kitchen - a room chosen for it's alliteration in the tagline - making a sandwich and munching on carrots. WHEN SUDDENLY, her phone rings. She glances over - it's Alex. She snatches it up.]

Moi: "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE A DATE WITH A WOMAN, DON'T YOU?"

Alex: "HOW THE HELL COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?!"

Moi: "YOU DO, DON'T YOU?"

Alex: "NO."

Moi: "YES."

Alex: "...MAYBE."

Moi: "HA!"

Alex: "Promise you won't freak out!"

Moi: "I am absolutely not promising that. Who is she? Is she hotter than me? Can we swap horrific stories about periods?"

Alex: "Her name is Heather, yes, and no. I met her last week, and I think there might be something between us."

Moi: "Well, thank God you called. We need to start formulating a game plan - "

Alex: "I don't ask you for advice about women anymore, Keeley."

[FLASHBACK TO: Ohio University Campus, Spring Break...]

[Students are everywhere; a few girls lounge in a hot tub on a sorority porch. Alex and Keeley stand across the street, Keeley wagging her head. Alex hesitantly crosses, goes up the streps and stops at a blonde.]

Alex: "Hey girl, you really put the COOZE in JACUZZI!"

[BACK TO THE PRESENT...]

Moi: "THAT LINE IS AMAZING. She was probably a lesbian or something."

Alex: "You might also remember that time you introduced me to the girl from the glam rock concert, and then convinced me to wear mascara when I went to pick her up, and her dad started punching the glitter off my face."

Moi: "Ah, yes. The one that told you the only part of his daughter a homo would get in his mouth is the fist that beat her as a child. You dodged a bullet there, man. She probably had daddy issues."

Alex: "Yeah, and I had a broken jaw. Look, my car is in the shop, so all I want is to borrow your car for the night, alright?"

Moi: "You want my car, you get my advice too, Alex."

Alex: (sarcastic) "Oh, do I? Alright, Keeley. What's a good idea for getting in this lady's pants?"

Moi: "Watching videos of paramedics trying to resuscitate fat men who are having heart attacks?"

Alex: "Annnnnnd this is why I don't ask you for dating advice."

Moi: "AW, C'MON - "

Alex: "Look, just come by with the car around 8, all right? I'm picking her up at 8:30, I can drop you back off." 

Moi: "Fine. You know, if you won't listen to me, maybe you should call Dave. He might have good advice."

Alex: "...That's actually not a bad idea. Hell, he got you, and you're a dating trainwreck, so he can't be a total idiot. Maybe I will."

Moi: "HA HA, I AM LYING, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA."

Alex: "What?"

Moi: "Do it."

[INT. DAVE'S ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT...]

[Dave hunches over his computer in his darkened room, eyes more freakishly huge than normal, playing Amnesia. The character moves closer... closer... His phone BUZZES, making him shriek like a bitch. He dives under the desk. After a few seconds, one arm shoots up and slaps the phone open.]

Alex: "Dave? It's Alex."

Dave: "WHO IS THIS WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Alex: "It's Alex, you dumb fu... It's the Schnozz."

Dave: "OH! Hey buddy! How's the honker?"

Alex: "Still the reason for a lot of personal insecurity. Look, I need you to do me a favor."

Dave: "Unlikely!"

Alex: "I'm going on a date tonight - "

Dave: "What, like with a woman?"

Alex: "Yes, like with a - God, you are both assholes. Look, I'm going out with this girl, and I kind of like her, and while you may be a massive douchebag with gangly arms, you somehow managed to get Keeley, so you must be doing something right. So... what are some good date ideas?"

Dave: "Watching videos of paramedics trying to resuscitate fat men who are having heart attacks?"

Alex: "No - what the fuck, did you guys actually do that?"

Dave: "Women have needs, Alex."

Alex: "You know what, fuck you. I'm just going to take her to a movie and be done with it."

Dave: "PSHT. Movie? Yeah, great idea Alex. You know, Passover isn't just a holiday, it's also what that chick is going to do to you if you don't bring your A game."

Alex: "Screw you, asshole."

Dave: "Okay, okay. Look. I'm sorry. Do you want some real advice? Something guaranteed to win her over?"

Alex: "YES."

Dave: "Alright, you know how I get chicks? All sense of humor, buddy. They love men that make them laugh. So you need to tell her..."

[Dave whispers into the phone. Alex's eyes light up.]

Alex: "...Seriously? That works?"

Dave: "Alex, if it doesn't work, you can punch Keeley in the face. That's how sure I am."

[45 MINUTES LATER...]

[Keeley sits on Skype with Dave, trying to Superglue some of her teeth back into her mouth.]

Moi: "I don't know what you told him to say, but I can't believe it didn't work."

Dave: "She was probably a lesbian or something. Hey, the next time we're making out, can I make a game out of trying to knock your teeth back out of place with my tongue?"

Moi: "If I can pretend I'm a fat guy at Burger King who's getting CPR and you're a dashing emergency worker, then yes."

*WEALLHAVEOURPREFERENCES*