[INT. Alex Levin's Apartment, Athens, OH...]
*Alex sits at his desk, completely and utterly dejected. Which is pretty understandable, seeing as he's not only a political science major during an economic downturn, but also Jewish. Like, really Jewish. Which must suck so hard for him. I mean, I'm a ridiculously good looking Gentile and this is rough for me, so I can't even imagine - *
Alex: "ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT, YOU'RE HILARIOUS."
*Then Alex, who clearly doesn't understand how characters are supposed to behave within a written medium with an omnipresent narration - "
Alex: "I hope you die."
* - was hit with some GREAT NEWS!*
Alex: "Wait, what?"
*An envelope tied to a BRICK comings CRASHING through Alex's window, slamming him in the side of the face. He sits up, stunned, unravels the envelope, and reads...*
Alex: "...Oh my God..."
*Alex stands, clutching the envelope in hand, clearly shell-shocked. The phone RINGS, startling him out of his reverie. He picks it up.*
Moi: "JEW!"
Alex: "Keeley! Great timing! Listen, you won't believe what I just - "
Moi: "Your problems, don't care, shut up. Listen. Something fucking incredible is happening to me right now."
Alex: "...Look Keeley, judging from past experience, there's no reason for me to doubt that's true - "
[INT. Alex's Apartment, 3 years Ago...]
Moi: "...and then, did you know the emperor penguins BOW to each other? Like, royalty?"
Alex: "I think you might've mentioned it when you started this story three hours ago."
Moi: "Ahhh, silly penguins!"
[INT. Alex's Apartment, 2 Years Ago...]
Moi: "I call them Snuggie-Dogs! They're like pigs in a blanket, but they keep your intestines warm, and there's way more fiber than the regular dough!"
Alex: {O_O} "Oh my god, have you eaten half of that Snuggie already?"
Moi: *pink fibers hanging from mouth; eyes watering* "Mmm! Yeah man, you're really missing out!"
[INT. Alex's Apartment, Last Summer...]
*Keeley is wrapped in a slightly-chewed Snuggie, sobbing*
Moi: "And then Bartlett stood up and he's okay, but we haven't been able to find Josh, and I think CJ hit her head! It was awful, Alex! It all happened so fast, and nobody's telling me anything! What if someone's hurt? How can I live with myself?"
Alex: "...Was that the first season finale of The West Wing?"
[Back to the PRESENT...]
Alex: "But this news I just got is really, REALLY big, and I'd really like to tell you about it BEFORE you launch into some retarded, looping, I'm sure very important-to-you story. "
Moi: "NO! CAN'T WAIT! This is TIME SENSITIVE, ALEX. This is HUGE."
Alex: "Keeley - "
Moi: "I'm hanging up."
Alex: "FINE, ALRIGHT. Go first, but make it quick!"
Moi: "Yeeesssss." *fist pump sounds* "So, okay, so, I went to pick up my friend from the bus station this morning, right? And it was early enough to get McDonald's breakfast, so we figured why the hell not, and I got one of those Egg McGriddle things?"
Alex: "Alright."
Moi: "So, I'm eating the McGriddle, okay. And GUESS WHAT?"
*Silence. A long, pregnant pause...*
Moi: "Why aren't you guessing?"
Alex: "JESUS CHRIST - "
Moi: "FINE, I'll just tell you. Alex. *lowers voice* There is syrup... insidethe actual english muffin. Like, injected into the bread itself."
*A very long, awe-struck pause.*
Alex: "...Are you kidding me?"
Moi: "I KNOW, RIGHT?! How crazy is that? They might have used asyringe or something, man, I don't know - "
Alex: "No, idiot, I mean, that's it? That was your big news?!"
Moi: "What the hell do you mean, that's it? Do you know what it's like, eating this thing? There are little syrup blisters all over the place. I keep biting down on them and they're popping in my mouth like little maple-flavored bouncing betties. It's a battlefield down here! It's like eating a leper, only probably worse for you! "
Alex: "Keeley - "
Moi: "WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST DRIZZLE THE SYRUP BETWEEN THE BUNS, ALEX?! WHAT CAUSED THEM TO GO THIS EXTRA MILE?!"
Alex: "Well, that's great and all, but put it down for a minute and shut up, because I have actual news to tell you."
*Through the phone receiver: Loud, syrupy chomping.*
Moi: "Hit me."
Alex: "I just a got a letter from the jobs I applied for, and I have FIVE INTERVIEWS. FIVE!! All of them are in DC, all of them pay very well, and all of them seem really excited to have me on! This could be it, Keeley! Going to DC, working for a Senator, trying to change the world - this is exactly what I've wanted!"
*Pause.*
Moi "...Yeah, not as important as McGriddle-gate, Alex."
Alex: "KEELEY."
Moi: "Just sayin'."
Alex: "But - wha - What the hell's the matter with you?! This is the best news I've had all year! Why can't you just be a normal friend, FOR ONCE, and tell me that you're happy for me and that this is fantastic news?!"
Moi: "Because friendships are built on mutual trust, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that my story was way more important to society as a whole."
Alex: "You know what? Screw you. I'm hanging up."
Moi: "Yeah okay, buddy, you do that. You hang up and go about your business, but there'll come a time when you're going to WISH you had appreciated - ACK! BLEERUGH, PHHT." *sputtering; hacking* "...God DAMN it, how are there so many syrup bubbles in this thing, you can't get away from them - "
*Alex SLAMS the phone down, storms away. Three seconds later, the phone RINGS. After a moment, Alex returns, picks it up.*
Moi: "By the way, congratulations. That's really fantastic."
Alex: "Thanks, asshole."
*He SLAMS the phone down again.*
[THE OFFICES OF DEAN MICHELS, WASHINGTON DC, THREE WEEKS LATER...]
*Alex and Dean Michels - Important Washington Senator - have brunch together. Alex, smoothing his tie, concludes his pitch.*
Alex: "So, sir, between my curve-setting GPA and prior experience with political campaigning, I truly believe that I'd be the perfect man for the... uh, sir?"
Dean Michels is staring into his McGriddle, entranced.
Dean Michels: "Holy shit, Levin, there is syrup inside this muffin. It's like injected in there... are you looking at this right now?"
Alex: "..."
Dean Michels: "Amazing, the things Americans come up with. By the way, have you heard of this new thing called a 'Snuggie Dog'?"
*CONGRATULATIONSALEXBUTITSSTILLNOTASIMPORTANT!*
