A Good First Impression

Inspired by an actual conversation with this guy.

[INT. DAVE'S ROOM - NIGHT]

[Keeley and Dave are playing "Left 4 Dead" on Steam. Over shotgun blasts and undead screams, Keeley speaks casually into the microphone.]

Moi: "Dave, I need you to do me a favor."

Dave: "Unlikely."

Moi: "There's an apartment in the Northwest District that just opened up, and I called the lady today, and she wants to give it to me. But I don't want to rent it site unseen, because you don't know what you're actually getting. Like the last place, where the guy in high heels was taking a long brunch - "

Dave: "Keeley, listening to you summarize something is worse than watching you waste half a clip on that dead fat man you're shooting at."

Moi: "I need you to look at an apartment in Portland for me."

Dave: "Done. Details?"

Moi: "The apartment manager can meet with you around 2 o'clock. Her name is Mary Jane - "

Dave: "DRESSING AS SPIDERMAN."

Moi: "NOPE."

Dave: "YEP."

Moi: "NOOOOOOPE."

Dave: "Try to stop me, you can't."

Moi: "Funny story, Dave - I actually want this apartment, so you're not doing that."

Dave: "Maybe she'll be so blown away by my creativity that she'll immediately give you the apartment at a discounted rate and then take me back into her office for some unrated superpowered action."

Moi: "No Spiderman suit and no realtor desk nastiness."

Dave: "You never let me do anything fun."

Moi: "I'll email you the address."

Dave: "Fine."

Moi: "No Spiderman suit."

Dave: "Fine."

Moi: "Thank you."

Dave: "Fine. Stop slapping me with that first aid pack."

Moi: "I'm trying to heal you, moron!"

Dave: "THEN BUY A DOUBLE CLICK MOUSE, MAC USER."

[INT. FRANCIS COURT APARTMENTS - THE NEXT DAY]

[Keeley apologizes to the realtor over the phone.]

Moi: "I'm so sorry, Mary Jane, he said he'd come."

Mary Jane: "That's okay, we can always reschedule a time - Oh! Hang on, I think I see someone coming."

[A pause.]

Mary Jane: "...He wouldn't be wearing a Spiderman suit, would he?"

Moi: "Nope."

Mary Jane: "Are you s- "

Moi: "YEP."

*WELLATLEASTSHECANBLOGABOUTIT!*

There's a Lawyer Joke In Here Somewhere

[INT. KEELEY'S HOUSE - A DECEMBER DAY:]

[The doorbell RINGS. As Keeley goes to answer it, Alex BURSTS into the foyer.]

Alex: "WHO WANTS TO PARTY LIKE A FUTURE LAWYER?!"

Moi: "AHAAA! I heard someone just took the LSAT! Congratulations!

Alex: "Well, you know, third time's the charm, am I right?"

Moi: "YEA -...What a second, you signed up to take the LSAT three times? What happened the other two times?"

Alex: "...Pretty sure you know what happened, Keeley."

Moi: "Why would I know?"

[INT. ATHENS, OH, Spring 2010 - Two Hour Before The LSAT]

[At his desk, Alex closes his LSAT practice book. He stands to leave - the door SLAMS open, Keeley stands there grinning.]

Moi: "HEY ALEX, GUESS WHO JUST LEARNED HOW TO PROJECTILE VOMIT!?"

[Back to PRESENT DAY - ]

Alex: "It was like a terrifying human sprinkler that wouldn't stop until it hit every item on my desk."

Moi: "Are you sure that was me? That doesn't sound like me."

Alex: "PRETTY SURE IT WAS YOU, KEELEY."

Moi: "Well, what happened the second time?"

[INT. CLEVELAND STATE UNIVERSITY, Summer 2010 - One Hour Before The LSAT]

[Alex navigates a campus building, looking for the LSAT testing room. He examines a paper, turns a corner - to find KEELEY in front of him, surrounded by a large GROUP OF PEOPLE.]

Moi: "HEY ALEX, GUESS WHO JUST FOUND OUT THAT THERE'S A PROJECTILE VOMITING CLUB?!"

[Back to PRESENT DAY - ]

Alex: "I was in the Trauma Unit for THREE DAYS after that little display."

Moi: "Ah, so that's why you didn't go see Inception with us."

Alex: "Point being, I managed to get through the toughest standardized test in America without you vomiting on me, and I think that's cause for celebration. So if you feel like coming over later to get drunk and play Infamous, my door's open."

Moi: "...So I take it you would mind if I invited the projectile vomiting dance squad and marching band."

Alex: "...Why in God's name do those exist?"

Moi: "Oh, you should see them. The mess is unimaginable."

*THEYWERETHEONLYREASONTOGOTOTHECLUBFAIR!*

PS - Congrats to Alex Levin on surviving the LSAT. We raise our glasses to him.