Politics and Syrup

[INT. Alex Levin's Apartment, Athens, OH...]

*Alex sits at his desk, completely and utterly dejected. Which is pretty understandable, seeing as he's not only a political science major during an economic downturn, but also Jewish. Like, really Jewish. Which must suck so hard for him. I mean, I'm a ridiculously good looking Gentile and this is rough for me, so I can't even imagine - *

Alex: "ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT, YOU'RE HILARIOUS."

*Then Alex, who clearly doesn't understand how characters are supposed to behave within a written medium with an omnipresent narration - "

Alex: "I hope you die."

* - was hit with some GREAT NEWS!*

Alex: "Wait, what?"

*An envelope tied to a BRICK comings CRASHING through Alex's window, slamming him in the side of the face. He sits up, stunned, unravels the envelope, and reads...*

Alex: "...Oh my God..."

*Alex stands, clutching the envelope in hand, clearly shell-shocked. The phone RINGS, startling him out of his reverie. He picks it up.*

Moi: "JEW!"

Alex: "Keeley! Great timing! Listen, you won't believe what I just - "

Moi: "Your problems, don't care, shut up. Listen. Something fucking incredible is happening to me right now."

Alex: "...Look Keeley, judging from past experience, there's no reason for me to doubt that's true - "

[INT. Alex's Apartment, 3 years Ago...]

Moi: "...and then, did you know the emperor penguins BOW to each other? Like, royalty?"

Alex: "I think you might've mentioned it when you started this story three hours ago."

Moi: "Ahhh, silly penguins!"

[INT. Alex's Apartment, 2 Years Ago...]

Moi: "I call them Snuggie-Dogs! They're like pigs in a blanket, but they keep your intestines warm, and there's way more fiber than the regular dough!"

Alex: {O_O} "Oh my god, have you eaten half of that Snuggie already?"

Moi: *pink fibers hanging from mouth; eyes watering* "Mmm! Yeah man, you're really missing out!"

[INT. Alex's Apartment, Last Summer...]

*Keeley is wrapped in a slightly-chewed Snuggie, sobbing*

Moi: "And then Bartlett stood up and he's okay, but we haven't been able to find Josh, and I think CJ hit her head! It was awful, Alex! It all happened so fast, and nobody's telling me anything! What if someone's hurt? How can I live with myself?"

Alex: "...Was that the first season finale of The West Wing?"

[Back to the PRESENT...]

Alex: "But this news I just got is really, REALLY big, and I'd really like to tell you about it BEFORE you launch into some retarded, looping, I'm sure very important-to-you story. "

Moi: "NO! CAN'T WAIT! This is TIME SENSITIVE, ALEX. This is HUGE."

Alex: "Keeley - "

Moi: "I'm hanging up."

Alex: "FINE, ALRIGHT. Go first, but make it quick!"

Moi: "Yeeesssss." *fist pump sounds* "So, okay, so, I went to pick up my friend from the bus station this morning, right? And it was early enough to get McDonald's breakfast, so we figured why the hell not, and I got one of those Egg McGriddle things?"

Alex: "Alright."

Moi: "So, I'm eating the McGriddle, okay. And GUESS WHAT?"

*Silence. A long, pregnant pause...*

Moi: "Why aren't you guessing?"

Alex: "JESUS CHRIST - "

Moi: "FINE, I'll just tell you. Alex. *lowers voice* There is syrup... insidethe actual english muffin. Like, injected into the bread itself."

*A very long, awe-struck pause.*

Alex: "...Are you kidding me?"

Moi: "I KNOW, RIGHT?! How crazy is that? They might have used asyringe or something, man, I don't know - "

Alex: "No, idiot, I mean, that's it? That was your big news?!"

Moi: "What the hell do you mean, that's it? Do you know what it's like, eating this thing? There are little syrup blisters all over the place. I keep biting down on them and they're popping in my mouth like little maple-flavored bouncing betties. It's a battlefield down here! It's like eating a leper, only probably worse for you! "

Alex: "Keeley - "

Moi: "WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST DRIZZLE THE SYRUP BETWEEN THE BUNS, ALEX?! WHAT CAUSED THEM TO GO THIS EXTRA MILE?!"

Alex: "Well, that's great and all, but put it down for a minute and shut up, because I have actual news to tell you."

*Through the phone receiver: Loud, syrupy chomping.*

Moi: "Hit me."

Alex: "I just a got a letter from the jobs I applied for, and I have FIVE INTERVIEWS. FIVE!! All of them are in DC, all of them pay very well, and all of them seem really excited to have me on! This could be it, Keeley! Going to DC, working for a Senator, trying to change the world - this is exactly what I've wanted!"

*Pause.*

Moi "...Yeah, not as important as McGriddle-gate, Alex."

Alex: "KEELEY."

Moi: "Just sayin'."

Alex: "But - wha - What the hell's the matter with you?! This is the best news I've had all year! Why can't you just be a normal friend, FOR ONCE, and tell me that you're happy for me and that this is fantastic news?!"

Moi: "Because friendships are built on mutual trust, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that my story was way more important to society as a whole."

Alex: "You know what? Screw you. I'm hanging up."

Moi: "Yeah okay, buddy, you do that. You hang up and go about your business, but there'll come a time when you're going to WISH you had appreciated - ACK! BLEERUGH, PHHT." *sputtering; hacking* "...God DAMN it, how are there so many syrup bubbles in this thing, you can't get away from them - "

*Alex SLAMS the phone down, storms away. Three seconds later, the phone RINGS. After a moment, Alex returns, picks it up.*

Moi: "By the way, congratulations. That's really fantastic."

Alex: "Thanks, asshole."

*He SLAMS the phone down again.*

[THE OFFICES OF DEAN MICHELS, WASHINGTON DC, THREE WEEKS LATER...]

*Alex and Dean Michels - Important Washington Senator - have brunch together. Alex, smoothing his tie, concludes his pitch.*

Alex: "So, sir, between my curve-setting GPA and prior experience with political campaigning, I truly believe that I'd be the perfect man for the... uh, sir?"

Dean Michels is staring into his McGriddle, entranced.

Dean Michels: "Holy shit, Levin, there is syrup inside this muffin. It's like injected in there... are you looking at this right now?"

Alex: "..."

Dean Michels: "Amazing, the things Americans come up with. By the way, have you heard of this new thing called a 'Snuggie Dog'?"

*CONGRATULATIONSALEXBUTITSSTILLNOTASIMPORTANT!*

Twitter: A Love Story

[OCTOBER, 2009]

[Alice and Keeley sit, watching a guest speaker.]

Tech Speaker: "Thanks guys! If you like me, follow me on Twitter!"  

Alice: "Pssht, Twitter..."

Moi: "What's Twitter?"

Alice: "It's a place where people can follow what celebrities are taking a shit or walking their dog or whatever. Basically it's where you can spy on people with better lives than you until you pass out in a puddle of your own self loathing."

Moi: "Sounds stupid."

Alice: "Yeah, never jumping on that bandwagon."

[JUNE 2010]

Alice: "I just jumped on that bandwagon."

Moi: "...What?"

Alice: "I just got a Twitter."

Moi: "HA HA HAAAA, HOW UNFORTUNATE FOR YOU."

Alice: "You should get a Twitter, too."

Moi: "Uh, yeah, that's not happening."

[JULY]

Alice: "Get a Twitter."

Moi: "No."

[AUGUST.]

Alice: "Get a Twitter."

Moi: "No."

[SEPTEMBER.]

Alice: "GET A TWITTER."

Moi: "NO, ALICE. I AM NEVER GETTING A GOD DAMN TWITTER."

[EARLY OCTOBER.]

Moi: "I JUST GOT A GOD DAMN TWITTER."

Alice: "YAY!"

[MID-OCTOBER.]

Moi: "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS GOD DAMN TWITTER?"

Alice: "Go do something worth tweeting about, moron." 

Moi: "Yeah, that sounds like a great way to live my life."

Alice: "Or you could just wait until the novelty wears out, and then forget about it like you've forgotten about every other commitment in your life."

Moi: "Whatever, Alice. I'm going back to reading Stephen Fry's tweets until I pass out in a puddle of my own self loathing."

[LATE OCTOBER.]

Moi: "Oh, hey, I just got a job in Portland."

Alice: "You should post something about it on Twitter!"

Moi: "What's Twitter?"

*FOLLOWME@VERTEDINDE*

The Making of a Ladies Man

[INT. KEELEY'S KITCHEN - DAY...]

[Keeley stands around her kitchen - a room chosen for it's alliteration in the tagline - making a sandwich and munching on carrots. WHEN SUDDENLY, her phone rings. She glances over - it's Alex. She snatches it up.]

Moi: "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE A DATE WITH A WOMAN, DON'T YOU?"

Alex: "HOW THE HELL COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?!"

Moi: "YOU DO, DON'T YOU?"

Alex: "NO."

Moi: "YES."

Alex: "...MAYBE."

Moi: "HA!"

Alex: "Promise you won't freak out!"

Moi: "I am absolutely not promising that. Who is she? Is she hotter than me? Can we swap horrific stories about periods?"

Alex: "Her name is Heather, yes, and no. I met her last week, and I think there might be something between us."

Moi: "Well, thank God you called. We need to start formulating a game plan - "

Alex: "I don't ask you for advice about women anymore, Keeley."

[FLASHBACK TO: Ohio University Campus, Spring Break...]

[Students are everywhere; a few girls lounge in a hot tub on a sorority porch. Alex and Keeley stand across the street, Keeley wagging her head. Alex hesitantly crosses, goes up the streps and stops at a blonde.]

Alex: "Hey girl, you really put the COOZE in JACUZZI!"

[BACK TO THE PRESENT...]

Moi: "THAT LINE IS AMAZING. She was probably a lesbian or something."

Alex: "You might also remember that time you introduced me to the girl from the glam rock concert, and then convinced me to wear mascara when I went to pick her up, and her dad started punching the glitter off my face."

Moi: "Ah, yes. The one that told you the only part of his daughter a homo would get in his mouth is the fist that beat her as a child. You dodged a bullet there, man. She probably had daddy issues."

Alex: "Yeah, and I had a broken jaw. Look, my car is in the shop, so all I want is to borrow your car for the night, alright?"

Moi: "You want my car, you get my advice too, Alex."

Alex: (sarcastic) "Oh, do I? Alright, Keeley. What's a good idea for getting in this lady's pants?"

Moi: "Watching videos of paramedics trying to resuscitate fat men who are having heart attacks?"

Alex: "Annnnnnd this is why I don't ask you for dating advice."

Moi: "AW, C'MON - "

Alex: "Look, just come by with the car around 8, all right? I'm picking her up at 8:30, I can drop you back off." 

Moi: "Fine. You know, if you won't listen to me, maybe you should call Dave. He might have good advice."

Alex: "...That's actually not a bad idea. Hell, he got you, and you're a dating trainwreck, so he can't be a total idiot. Maybe I will."

Moi: "HA HA, I AM LYING, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA."

Alex: "What?"

Moi: "Do it."

[INT. DAVE'S ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT...]

[Dave hunches over his computer in his darkened room, eyes more freakishly huge than normal, playing Amnesia. The character moves closer... closer... His phone BUZZES, making him shriek like a bitch. He dives under the desk. After a few seconds, one arm shoots up and slaps the phone open.]

Alex: "Dave? It's Alex."

Dave: "WHO IS THIS WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Alex: "It's Alex, you dumb fu... It's the Schnozz."

Dave: "OH! Hey buddy! How's the honker?"

Alex: "Still the reason for a lot of personal insecurity. Look, I need you to do me a favor."

Dave: "Unlikely!"

Alex: "I'm going on a date tonight - "

Dave: "What, like with a woman?"

Alex: "Yes, like with a - God, you are both assholes. Look, I'm going out with this girl, and I kind of like her, and while you may be a massive douchebag with gangly arms, you somehow managed to get Keeley, so you must be doing something right. So... what are some good date ideas?"

Dave: "Watching videos of paramedics trying to resuscitate fat men who are having heart attacks?"

Alex: "No - what the fuck, did you guys actually do that?"

Dave: "Women have needs, Alex."

Alex: "You know what, fuck you. I'm just going to take her to a movie and be done with it."

Dave: "PSHT. Movie? Yeah, great idea Alex. You know, Passover isn't just a holiday, it's also what that chick is going to do to you if you don't bring your A game."

Alex: "Screw you, asshole."

Dave: "Okay, okay. Look. I'm sorry. Do you want some real advice? Something guaranteed to win her over?"

Alex: "YES."

Dave: "Alright, you know how I get chicks? All sense of humor, buddy. They love men that make them laugh. So you need to tell her..."

[Dave whispers into the phone. Alex's eyes light up.]

Alex: "...Seriously? That works?"

Dave: "Alex, if it doesn't work, you can punch Keeley in the face. That's how sure I am."

[45 MINUTES LATER...]

[Keeley sits on Skype with Dave, trying to Superglue some of her teeth back into her mouth.]

Moi: "I don't know what you told him to say, but I can't believe it didn't work."

Dave: "She was probably a lesbian or something. Hey, the next time we're making out, can I make a game out of trying to knock your teeth back out of place with my tongue?"

Moi: "If I can pretend I'm a fat guy at Burger King who's getting CPR and you're a dashing emergency worker, then yes."

*WEALLHAVEOURPREFERENCES*

Am I Pretty Yet?

My absolute favorite beauty tip has got to be the one given to me by my very good and overly-concerned friend, way back in middle school. One day on the playground, after talking and laughing with a few guys, she pulled me aside and told me, very earnestly and with big eyes, that if I kept laughing so much I'd get nasty lines around my mouth, and then I would be ugly. Hideously ugly. No boy would ever want to speak to me, and I'd be in a state of perpetual loneliness. FOREVER.

Horrified, I stopped laughing and smiling for the rest of the day, before getting on the bus that afternoon and realizing what a completely retarded concept it was. Show absolutely no joy or personality, and people will love you. Didn't make much sense. Besides, I looked constipated everytime I tried to hold back a laugh. And a state of perpetual constipation isn't much of a victory over a state of perpetual loneliness.

After that reasoning, I dismissed the idea, and didn't think about it again until...

[GAS STATION, THE MAGAZINE RACK...]

{Alex and I stand in the gas station, chatting. Alex tells a hilarious joke, and I laugh hard at it. We keep talking, drifting over to the magazine rack.}

MOI: "Heh, baby seal walks into a club... that's highbrow stuff, right there." *picks up an issue of Cosmo* "Well, what do we have here...?"

{As I pick it up, the Cosmo Cover Girl turns her head and frowns at me.}

COSMO: "So, I see you were laughing pretty hard at that boy's joke."

MOI: {O_O} "...Alex, the magazine is speaking to me."

ALEX: *flipping through Sports Illustrated* "I don't care about your hip art school jargon, Keeley. If you like it, buy it."

COSMO: "Keeley, do you know what happens when you smile too much?"

MOI: "…People like you?"


COSMO: "You get smile lines, Keeley! Big, ugly parenthesis around your lips and eyes!"

MOI: “Oh… right. I've heard that before."

COSMO: "And it's true! Listen, if you keep going around, laughing and smiling as wide as you are now, you're going to look horrible in a few years! Pitbull cheeks, Keeley! Churchill-esque jowls!"

MOI: "Churchill-ESQUE?"

COSMO: "Damn skippy."

MOI: "...Wow. Yeah, that’s… that’s too bad about that."

COSMO: "Yes, it is. So, the next time Alex tells a funny joke, what’re you going to do?"

MOI: “Mmm…”

True, it seemed like a stupid tip back in middle school. However, now I've heard this little factoid from not one but TWO sources. And really, Cosmo has a pretty straight record of accuracy if you look at the Letters to the Editor page. They seem to have helped many women... why should I be so quick to judge?

[THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL...]

ALEX: "...And so then he says, 'I've been through many hardships'!" *grins*

MOI: "…You’re a cunt."

ALEX: "What?"

MOI: "YAY, I’m beautiful!"

And with that, it was decided; from now on, I'm going to smile as scarsely as possible so that people will love me! Best idea EVER.

MOI: "So, wanna go grab a pizza?"

ALEX: "You just called me a cunt!"

MOI: "Great! So I'll see you at seven, then!"

Yep. Loneliness is for happy people.

[PS - Completely unsubtle and unoriginal snipe at beauty industry... check. Buy me a drink.]

A Kickstart to Blogging

Today was Awesome. It was Awesome with a capital A. It was awesome in every sense.

• Chose a new route to run - a 2.5 miler up John Street and back down again, with one considerable hill by the observatory. The weather was beautiful, I felt fantastic, and my iPod played all Basshunter songs even though I set it to shuffle and the majority of my main playlist songs are classical. Another runner came off from the dormside at the first stoplight and I followed his back, watching him get further and further away until he turned onto Bailey's.
• Recorded Skip's friend, Professor Owen Butler, playing the ney. The ney is a Persian flute with no reed - you make the sound by pressing it against your palate and vibrating the inside of your mouth. Professor Butler spoke like a Woody Allen Jew, and asked him to call him "Owen, for God's sake". He had asked a dentist to split his teeth further apart to make his ney playing easier. There are four tiers of ney playing, and he is on the first - only four people in the world are on the fourth.
• As a thank you, Skip gave me the most amazing hippy chocolate with instructions on the back, telling you exactly how you should eat it. One tasted like cardamon and dark chocolate and dried figs and orange, the other tasted like sea salt and almonds and milk chocolate. Both were exquisite. Both were very hippy.
• Mark visited me in the ADR room while Prof. Butler was playing, stuck around a while. Alice came by later and gave me a copy of her LGBT Commercial, fixed the sound. We watched Drunk History and laughed about the hippy chocolate and some pamphlets her PR professor gave her, involving old clothes.
• Went to the mall and Wegmans with Blaire, Dan, and Alex. Told them Stef's android story, got their opinions. Bought a cinnamon role from Subway that made my intestines curdle. My Sprite had no fountain syrup in it, so Dan dumped it out in the fill grate and poured me a Cherry Coke. Guessed Dan's birthday - wrong. Ran through Wegmans with Blaire, looking for Hot Pockets. Finally have food in the apartment again, so I can eat at home tomorrow.
• Took out the trash. All of it. Threw it away. All of it.
• Wrote Alex's birthday note and got to watch him laugh hysterically via Skype as he read it. Easily the best part of the day.

Life rocks.

The people who never do stuff that they decide is stupid are the same people who start every story with, "This guy I know..." instead of "So I was at this Denny's in Alabama at 3AM when a trucker started assaulting me with ketchup bottles..."

Home Again, Home Again

One of my favorite things about the holidays - aside from the road rage, the sub-degree weather, and the suffocating amount of Christmas carols on the radio - are the gifts. And not just the ones addressed to me: buying gifts for other people and seeing the reactions is also a big part of it:

[SCENE - Random Holiday Living Room]

(A group of people give each other gifts beside an open fire.)

Boy: *opens present* "Oh wow, cool, a Zelda shirt!" *reads* "...You make me hard like the Water Temple?"

Girl: {^_^}

Third Person: "OH GOD, THE FIRE! IT SPREADS! WHY DID WE MAKE IT OPEN?!"

Just memories of loud and merry gatherings, exchanging gifts as we nurse each other's second and third degree burns, give me a high even my dealer can't match.

Which is why it's so frustrating when you just can't find that perfect gift.

[SCENE - Inside Borders Book Store, A Day Before Christmas...]

(Alex is on the clock, and is helping me look for Christmas gifts. Alex does not need to buy Christmas gifts because he has foresight. He is also a filthy, filthy Jew).

Alex: "So Keeley, I noticed that you're doing a good deal of your Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. Should I call you a dipshit now, or wait until my shift's over so I can do a little dance while I say it?"

Moi: "The dancing one. Now shut up and help me, I need to find a present for Will."

Alex: "This late? You haven't done that already?"

Moi: "No! Because he's making it as difficult as possible! Everytime I bring it up, the same thing happens:"

[FLASHBACK - Will's Living Room, Day...]

Moi: "Hey Will?"

Will: "Yeah?"

Moi: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Will: "YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!"

*Will leaps across room and SMASHES out of living room window*

Moi: *shakes fist* "YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER, HALAS!!"

[SCENE - Borders Books, Day...]

Alex: ( -_- )"...No, it doesn't."

Moi: "Fine. It doesn't. But he won't give me a straight answer. We always have the same conversation."

[SCENE - Will's Living Room, Day...]

Moi: "Will, what do you want for Christmas?"

Will: "...Keeley, we've been dating for six months."

Moi: "Yeah, see, that doesn't answer my question."

Will: "You know what I'd want."

Moi: ( >_< ) "No, Will Halas. No, I do not. See, because if I did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. Because I'd be out fucking buying it. Or stealing it. Or wrapping it. Or shoving it up your ass because getting a straight answer out of you on this particular subject IS LIKE PULLING MY OWN TEETH OUT. SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

*awkward pause*

Will: "...I'd like anything you give me."

Moi: "GOD DAMN IT."

[Back to Border's...]

Moi: "You'd think I was trying to torture the guy, not buy him a gift." *picks up book* "He's going to get Oprah's Big Book Of Happiness for Christmas, and it'll be his own damn fault."

Alex: "He has a point, though. You've been dating the guy for six months, and you can't figure out a Christmas gift for him?"

Moi: "You're a Jew."

Alex: "Keeley, that has nothing to do with - "

Moi: "It's not just finding a present, Alex. It's finding a great present. Because I know when we exchange gifts, he's going to have something radically awesome, and I'm going to have something shitty like a CD or a pair of socks, and then he'll be able to lord it over me for the rest of the year! I have to one-up him, Alex! My present has to be better!!"

Alex: "...You're a dipshit."

Moi: "And you're a Jew."

*OHJOYCHRISTMASSHOPPING!*