Beard Massage, Inc.

[INT. ALEX'S LAW OFFICE - DAY]

[Alex sits at his office desk, doing Very Important Lawyerly Work. Suddenly, his office phone rings. Hands full of papers, he glances at the caller ID, groans, and hits the TALK button with his elbow]

Alex: "Unless you were somehow roped into an anti-trust lawsuit in the last 36 hours, there is absolutely no reason why you should be calling me here."

Moi: "Alex, how would you like to be paid to rub your face against naked, wanting women?"

[Pause - then a loud BEEP, and shuffling as Alex GRABS the phone and hides under his desk. A hot blonde woman is staring at his back, open-mouthed, with a granola bar halted halfway to her face.]

Moi: "...Wait, what's that noise? Am I on speaker phone?"

Alex: "Not anymore!"

Moi: "Why would you ever put me on speaker phone?"

Alex: "I'm kind of wondering the same thing now. In fact, I'll probably keep wondering it after I hang up on you, which I'm doing right - "

Moi: "Waitwaitwait! C'mon Alex, I really want you in on this!"

Alex: "I have no idea what you're even talking about, but you've got two minutes to explain." 

Moi: "Okay, look. So you know how when women date a man with facial hair, he sometimes rubs his beard on their necks or backs and it feels really great?"

Alex: "Yeah, because I'm intimately familiar with a man rubbing his... Wait, women actually like that?"

Moi: "Oh yeah, man. You know that hot chick from Accounting that I keep telling you to ask out for Thai food?"

Alex: "The one sitting right next to me that hopefully can't hear you?"

Moi: "...I hope she wasn't sitting there when I was on speaker phone."

Alex: "She was."

Moi: "Wow, your bad. Whatever. Just shove your face down the back of her shirt and start rubbing, she'll melt like hot wax."

Alex: "As will any chances I have of continued employment."

Moi: "Is your boss female?"

Alex: "NO."

Moi: "Bummer. Anyway, yes, babes lose their god damn minds for a good beard message. Make a note of that in your tear-stained dating handbook. However. Not every woman is dating a man with a full lumberjack beard, or even dating a man and all, and thus does not have access to the thrilling wonders of a beard against her skin. This is where you come in."

Alex: "To what, sexually harrass the shit out of them?"

Moi: "NO. No. This is a professional service, where women can come and pay for a gentle and sensual beard massage, serviced by one of our bearded love professionals. One of which would be you."

Alex: "...So, a male prostitute."

Moi: "NO. PROFESSIONAL SERVICE. This would be a completely platonic intensely passionate beard rubbing, in a safe and professional environment. Women could experience the gentle healing touch of the beard, and then pay up and go right on home to their husbands, boyfriends and/or lesbian partners, satisfied and content with their fidelity intact. And we get filthy rich. That's a key point here, the us getting filthy rich off of loneliness bit."

[Alex glances over at the Hot Girl from Accounting, who has gone to the break room to eat her lunch. He lowers her voice.]

Alex: "So, let me get this straight. You want me to use my face - "

Moi: "Beard. Just beard."

Alex: "...And rub it all over some naked woman that, until that moment, I had never met before."

Moi: "Just her back. Not all over. Professional work environment."

Alex: "...I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually kind of on board for this."

Moi: "You're damn right, you are! You won't regret it, Alex, we're going to have a business plan and stock options and a water cooler and everything! I've already sketched out our logo today at work, I just sent it to you!"

[A new email PINGS on his computer. Alex quickly swivels his monitor toward the floor and clicks it: ]

Alex: "...yeah, Dave totally drew this."

Moi: "Nuh uh."

Alex: "How the hell did you convince him to draw this?"

Moi: "Not important, and he didn't draw it, that was me, shut up."

Alex: "And speaking of Dave and uncomfortable things, who else are you getting to be professional beard massueses? Me and who else?"

Moi: "Yeah... well, I'm having a little trouble there..."

[Flashback - Keeley sits on the phone.]

Moi: "Heeeey Cathryn! Say, how Shannon's beard is doing these days?"

Cathryn: "Full, luscious, and like soft down when pressed against my cheek."

Moi: "Yeeessss - "

Cathryn: "And totally not allowed to massage other women."

Moi: "DAMN IT."

[Back to the Law Office:]

Alex: "Well, I can't imagine why the idea of Shannon rubbing his face all over other naked women would make Cathryn uncomfortable."

Moi: "I know, right?! It's a professional work environment!"

Alex: "What about Dave? Why don't you just get Dave to do it?"

Moi: "What? Hell no, like I'm letting him near other hussies. That's my Executive Privledge Beard. Executive use only. Don't worry though. I already took out an ad in the paper for 'Women-Loving Beards''. Got a lot of gay men, for some reason. Some of them didn't even have beards."

[Alex glances up. The Hot Blonde from Accounting has returned to her desk, and is now rubbing a rabbit's foot on her keychain against her hand.]

Moi: "Also, you should probably surveying women around the office and seeing how much they'd pay for a sexytime beard rubdown."

Alex: "Yeah, I am absolutely not doing that."

Moi: "Well, you should at least ask Hotty McWhat-Ser-Face from Accounting if she's like to ride your kosher - "

Alex: "Goodbye, Keeley."

Moi: "DON'T FORGET THE THAI FOO-" *CLICK*

[Alex hangs up, slowly slides back into his seat. The Hot Blonde from Accounting is still rubbing the rabbit's foot against her hand. Alex looks at the Beard Massage logo, then back at the Hot Blonde's wistful expression. The rabbit foot goes back and forth... back and forth... Alex suddenly rolls his chair over to her.]

Alex: "Hey, so... my friend just let me in on a little business venture that we might need some accounting help for. Would you like to discuss it over..." *rubs his beard* "...Thai food?"

*GOGOGADGETMANFUZZ!*

[Epilogue...]

[Keeley dials her phone, waits.]

Moi: "Kowalski! Hey man! Say, how would you like to use your beard for the greater good?"

Kowalski: "I'd love it!"

Moi: "Yeeessssss - "

Kowalski: "But Amanda would wear my balls as earrings if I ever used this man-fur to please other women."

Moi: "How did you even kn - Jesus, do you guys all have brunch after I call or something?"

*IFEELREALLYWEIRDAFTERWRITINGTHIS!*