The Making of a Ladies Man

[INT. KEELEY'S KITCHEN - DAY...]

[Keeley stands around her kitchen - a room chosen for it's alliteration in the tagline - making a sandwich and munching on carrots. WHEN SUDDENLY, her phone rings. She glances over - it's Alex. She snatches it up.]

Moi: "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE A DATE WITH A WOMAN, DON'T YOU?"

Alex: "HOW THE HELL COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?!"

Moi: "YOU DO, DON'T YOU?"

Alex: "NO."

Moi: "YES."

Alex: "...MAYBE."

Moi: "HA!"

Alex: "Promise you won't freak out!"

Moi: "I am absolutely not promising that. Who is she? Is she hotter than me? Can we swap horrific stories about periods?"

Alex: "Her name is Heather, yes, and no. I met her last week, and I think there might be something between us."

Moi: "Well, thank God you called. We need to start formulating a game plan - "

Alex: "I don't ask you for advice about women anymore, Keeley."

[FLASHBACK TO: Ohio University Campus, Spring Break...]

[Students are everywhere; a few girls lounge in a hot tub on a sorority porch. Alex and Keeley stand across the street, Keeley wagging her head. Alex hesitantly crosses, goes up the streps and stops at a blonde.]

Alex: "Hey girl, you really put the COOZE in JACUZZI!"

[BACK TO THE PRESENT...]

Moi: "THAT LINE IS AMAZING. She was probably a lesbian or something."

Alex: "You might also remember that time you introduced me to the girl from the glam rock concert, and then convinced me to wear mascara when I went to pick her up, and her dad started punching the glitter off my face."

Moi: "Ah, yes. The one that told you the only part of his daughter a homo would get in his mouth is the fist that beat her as a child. You dodged a bullet there, man. She probably had daddy issues."

Alex: "Yeah, and I had a broken jaw. Look, my car is in the shop, so all I want is to borrow your car for the night, alright?"

Moi: "You want my car, you get my advice too, Alex."

Alex: (sarcastic) "Oh, do I? Alright, Keeley. What's a good idea for getting in this lady's pants?"

Moi: "Watching videos of paramedics trying to resuscitate fat men who are having heart attacks?"

Alex: "Annnnnnd this is why I don't ask you for dating advice."

Moi: "AW, C'MON - "

Alex: "Look, just come by with the car around 8, all right? I'm picking her up at 8:30, I can drop you back off." 

Moi: "Fine. You know, if you won't listen to me, maybe you should call Dave. He might have good advice."

Alex: "...That's actually not a bad idea. Hell, he got you, and you're a dating trainwreck, so he can't be a total idiot. Maybe I will."

Moi: "HA HA, I AM LYING, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA."

Alex: "What?"

Moi: "Do it."

[INT. DAVE'S ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT...]

[Dave hunches over his computer in his darkened room, eyes more freakishly huge than normal, playing Amnesia. The character moves closer... closer... His phone BUZZES, making him shriek like a bitch. He dives under the desk. After a few seconds, one arm shoots up and slaps the phone open.]

Alex: "Dave? It's Alex."

Dave: "WHO IS THIS WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Alex: "It's Alex, you dumb fu... It's the Schnozz."

Dave: "OH! Hey buddy! How's the honker?"

Alex: "Still the reason for a lot of personal insecurity. Look, I need you to do me a favor."

Dave: "Unlikely!"

Alex: "I'm going on a date tonight - "

Dave: "What, like with a woman?"

Alex: "Yes, like with a - God, you are both assholes. Look, I'm going out with this girl, and I kind of like her, and while you may be a massive douchebag with gangly arms, you somehow managed to get Keeley, so you must be doing something right. So... what are some good date ideas?"

Dave: "Watching videos of paramedics trying to resuscitate fat men who are having heart attacks?"

Alex: "No - what the fuck, did you guys actually do that?"

Dave: "Women have needs, Alex."

Alex: "You know what, fuck you. I'm just going to take her to a movie and be done with it."

Dave: "PSHT. Movie? Yeah, great idea Alex. You know, Passover isn't just a holiday, it's also what that chick is going to do to you if you don't bring your A game."

Alex: "Screw you, asshole."

Dave: "Okay, okay. Look. I'm sorry. Do you want some real advice? Something guaranteed to win her over?"

Alex: "YES."

Dave: "Alright, you know how I get chicks? All sense of humor, buddy. They love men that make them laugh. So you need to tell her..."

[Dave whispers into the phone. Alex's eyes light up.]

Alex: "...Seriously? That works?"

Dave: "Alex, if it doesn't work, you can punch Keeley in the face. That's how sure I am."

[45 MINUTES LATER...]

[Keeley sits on Skype with Dave, trying to Superglue some of her teeth back into her mouth.]

Moi: "I don't know what you told him to say, but I can't believe it didn't work."

Dave: "She was probably a lesbian or something. Hey, the next time we're making out, can I make a game out of trying to knock your teeth back out of place with my tongue?"

Moi: "If I can pretend I'm a fat guy at Burger King who's getting CPR and you're a dashing emergency worker, then yes."

*WEALLHAVEOURPREFERENCES*