[INT. LEVIN HOUSEHOLD - DAY]
[Alex has just returned from Washington DC to visit his family in Solon. It was a long drive, and he's exhausted. As he's about to enter the kitchen, his PHONE RINGS. He pulls it out to see who's calling, groans, and, against his better judgment, answers it.]
Alex: "This better not be another McGriddle story, I know there's syrup in the bread."
Moi: "Everybody knows that, Alex, welcome to the party. Listen, I need you to stay on the line with me for a minute. Don't ask questions."
Alex: "What are you -" [another voice calls] "...Yeah, sorry Jesse, I'll be right there."
Moi: "You sound distracted."
Alex: "Well, yeah, I'm visiting family, so I don't really have time - "
Moi: "Whatever, tell your cousin to put her clothes back on, this is urgent."
Alex: "I'm not - oh, fuck you. What the hell is so urgent?"
Moi: "I just need you to keep talking to me for a bit, to ensure my safety."
Alex: "What the hell are you talking about? What are you doing?"
[Pause. A flushing noise.]
Moi: "Never mind, we're cool."
Alex: "Wha - DID YOU JUST CALL ME ON THE JOHN?!"
Moi: "It's in the past now, Alex."
Alex: "THE HELL IT IS. WHAT IS GOING ON? WERE WE TALKING WHILE YOU WERE - ."
Moi: "Okay, first of all, it's perfectly natural - "
Alex: "NOT ON THE PHONE, IT ISN'T."
Moi: "And second of all, there was a good chance I could have been killed just now, Mr. Selfish Pants. So why don't you just get over your weird bathroom-conversation fixation, because I'm the one who's life was on the line."
Alex: "How was your life in danger? Does the toilet have a bomb on it?"
Moi: "Alright, look. I live in an older building, right? Bathroon fans weren't invented yet, so instead, the artchitects installed little windows in the wall that lead out to hell - it's just a window leading to this giant-ass vent, no barrier. I could climb out into the extremely dark air duct if I wanted to."
Alex: "This doesn't answer my toilet bomb question, OR THE QUESTION OF WHY I TALKED YOU THROUGH A BOWEL MOVEMENT."
Moi: "SETTING THE SCENE OVER HERE. So, bathroom equiped with dark, scary vent hovering directly over the toilet. And, as an added bonus, the fucking vents are so close together that I could probably reach over and high-five the guy next door while I'm taking a crap."
Alex: "Which you have, of course, done."
Moi: "I just feel like that's not a good way to introduce myself."
Alex: "Really? You don't want a friendship founded on a 'We're-Pooping-Together' celebratory high five?"
Moi: "My point here being, the vents look like something out of a Japanese horror movie. They are very dark, and big, and scary, and the lock doesn't work anymore, and I just know the second I spend too much time alone in here, something's going to crawl out of there and kill me."
Alex: "So... you're afraid to poop in your own apartment."
Moi: "I just know that one day I'll be sitting on the john, reading a magazine... innocently look up... and BAM, there's some dead Japanese lady, reading the magazine over my shoulder with her tongue hanging out."
Alex: "I really feel like something crawling out of your vent with it's dead tits flapping around is something you should have worked out before you signed the lease."
Moi: "Right, because I'm sure I'll be focused on her rack as she strangles me with her freaky black hair."
Alex: "Wait. Why is she Japanese? Do you live in a renovated WWII-era internment camp?"
Moi: "She has to be Japanese."
Alex: "That doesn't make any sense."
Moi: "Sure it does, haven't you seen The Grudge?"
Alex: "But - you live in Oregon! Shouldn't the ghost be a dead hipster or something?"
Moi: "No."
Alex: "But - "
Moi: "NO."
Alex: "But - "
Moi: "SHE IS DEAD AND JAPANESE AND DRIVEN BY RAGE AGAINST THE MAN WHO WRONGED HER."
Alex: "But it's Portland! Everyone's white!"
Moi: "It's the Pacific Northwest, Alex, I can practically see Japan from my house."
Alex: "Fine. So you're worried that your bathroom is going to be haunted by a dead Japanese ghost - Japanese for no other reason that your weird, racist fixation."
Moi: "Thank you."
Alex: "And you called me because you're afraid to be alone in your bathroom for too long."
Moi: "Right."
Alex: "So I should expect more weird calls from you on the toilet in the future."
Moi: "Probably."
Alex: "...I'm hanging up now."
Moi: "Fine. Go back to cornholing your cousin."
Alex: "I'M NOT - HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME AT THE END OF THIS?!"
Moi: "GRAB HER LEGS, SHE'S BUCKING!"
*SLAM - click*
[3 Weeks Later...]
*Keeley shuts the bathroom door, magazine in hand. She glances warily up at the wall vent - nailed shut and plastered with caution tape. She sits down, fluffs open the magazine...
Minutes pass... the vent creaks. Her phone is on the sink - too far to reach. She feels light breathing on her shoulder... the slow scrape of nails against the wall... her heart is pouding... a deathly voice croaks:*
Dead Japanese Woman: "Ugh, Arcade Fire again? Now that they've won a Grammy, I just can't bring myself to care. All the songs sound the same now, and they say they're on an indie label, but they're completely following a mainstream marketing campaign - "
Moi: "Oh my God, would you shut up? I bet you don't even listen to the damn band."
Dead Japanese Woman: "Oh, okay, so let's just be hurtful."
*ITSLIKEACOMBINATIONOFTWOTERRIBLEEVILS!*
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