Beard Massage, Inc.

[INT. ALEX'S LAW OFFICE - DAY]

[Alex sits at his office desk, doing Very Important Lawyerly Work. Suddenly, his office phone rings. Hands full of papers, he glances at the caller ID, groans, and hits the TALK button with his elbow]

Alex: "Unless you were somehow roped into an anti-trust lawsuit in the last 36 hours, there is absolutely no reason why you should be calling me here."

Moi: "Alex, how would you like to be paid to rub your face against naked, wanting women?"

[Pause - then a loud BEEP, and shuffling as Alex GRABS the phone and hides under his desk. A hot blonde woman is staring at his back, open-mouthed, with a granola bar halted halfway to her face.]

Moi: "...Wait, what's that noise? Am I on speaker phone?"

Alex: "Not anymore!"

Moi: "Why would you ever put me on speaker phone?"

Alex: "I'm kind of wondering the same thing now. In fact, I'll probably keep wondering it after I hang up on you, which I'm doing right - "

Moi: "Waitwaitwait! C'mon Alex, I really want you in on this!"

Alex: "I have no idea what you're even talking about, but you've got two minutes to explain." 

Moi: "Okay, look. So you know how when women date a man with facial hair, he sometimes rubs his beard on their necks or backs and it feels really great?"

Alex: "Yeah, because I'm intimately familiar with a man rubbing his... Wait, women actually like that?"

Moi: "Oh yeah, man. You know that hot chick from Accounting that I keep telling you to ask out for Thai food?"

Alex: "The one sitting right next to me that hopefully can't hear you?"

Moi: "...I hope she wasn't sitting there when I was on speaker phone."

Alex: "She was."

Moi: "Wow, your bad. Whatever. Just shove your face down the back of her shirt and start rubbing, she'll melt like hot wax."

Alex: "As will any chances I have of continued employment."

Moi: "Is your boss female?"

Alex: "NO."

Moi: "Bummer. Anyway, yes, babes lose their god damn minds for a good beard message. Make a note of that in your tear-stained dating handbook. However. Not every woman is dating a man with a full lumberjack beard, or even dating a man and all, and thus does not have access to the thrilling wonders of a beard against her skin. This is where you come in."

Alex: "To what, sexually harrass the shit out of them?"

Moi: "NO. No. This is a professional service, where women can come and pay for a gentle and sensual beard massage, serviced by one of our bearded love professionals. One of which would be you."

Alex: "...So, a male prostitute."

Moi: "NO. PROFESSIONAL SERVICE. This would be a completely platonic intensely passionate beard rubbing, in a safe and professional environment. Women could experience the gentle healing touch of the beard, and then pay up and go right on home to their husbands, boyfriends and/or lesbian partners, satisfied and content with their fidelity intact. And we get filthy rich. That's a key point here, the us getting filthy rich off of loneliness bit."

[Alex glances over at the Hot Girl from Accounting, who has gone to the break room to eat her lunch. He lowers her voice.]

Alex: "So, let me get this straight. You want me to use my face - "

Moi: "Beard. Just beard."

Alex: "...And rub it all over some naked woman that, until that moment, I had never met before."

Moi: "Just her back. Not all over. Professional work environment."

Alex: "...I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually kind of on board for this."

Moi: "You're damn right, you are! You won't regret it, Alex, we're going to have a business plan and stock options and a water cooler and everything! I've already sketched out our logo today at work, I just sent it to you!"

[A new email PINGS on his computer. Alex quickly swivels his monitor toward the floor and clicks it: ]

Alex: "...yeah, Dave totally drew this."

Moi: "Nuh uh."

Alex: "How the hell did you convince him to draw this?"

Moi: "Not important, and he didn't draw it, that was me, shut up."

Alex: "And speaking of Dave and uncomfortable things, who else are you getting to be professional beard massueses? Me and who else?"

Moi: "Yeah... well, I'm having a little trouble there..."

[Flashback - Keeley sits on the phone.]

Moi: "Heeeey Cathryn! Say, how Shannon's beard is doing these days?"

Cathryn: "Full, luscious, and like soft down when pressed against my cheek."

Moi: "Yeeessss - "

Cathryn: "And totally not allowed to massage other women."

Moi: "DAMN IT."

[Back to the Law Office:]

Alex: "Well, I can't imagine why the idea of Shannon rubbing his face all over other naked women would make Cathryn uncomfortable."

Moi: "I know, right?! It's a professional work environment!"

Alex: "What about Dave? Why don't you just get Dave to do it?"

Moi: "What? Hell no, like I'm letting him near other hussies. That's my Executive Privledge Beard. Executive use only. Don't worry though. I already took out an ad in the paper for 'Women-Loving Beards''. Got a lot of gay men, for some reason. Some of them didn't even have beards."

[Alex glances up. The Hot Blonde from Accounting has returned to her desk, and is now rubbing a rabbit's foot on her keychain against her hand.]

Moi: "Also, you should probably surveying women around the office and seeing how much they'd pay for a sexytime beard rubdown."

Alex: "Yeah, I am absolutely not doing that."

Moi: "Well, you should at least ask Hotty McWhat-Ser-Face from Accounting if she's like to ride your kosher - "

Alex: "Goodbye, Keeley."

Moi: "DON'T FORGET THE THAI FOO-" *CLICK*

[Alex hangs up, slowly slides back into his seat. The Hot Blonde from Accounting is still rubbing the rabbit's foot against her hand. Alex looks at the Beard Massage logo, then back at the Hot Blonde's wistful expression. The rabbit foot goes back and forth... back and forth... Alex suddenly rolls his chair over to her.]

Alex: "Hey, so... my friend just let me in on a little business venture that we might need some accounting help for. Would you like to discuss it over..." *rubs his beard* "...Thai food?"

*GOGOGADGETMANFUZZ!*

[Epilogue...]

[Keeley dials her phone, waits.]

Moi: "Kowalski! Hey man! Say, how would you like to use your beard for the greater good?"

Kowalski: "I'd love it!"

Moi: "Yeeessssss - "

Kowalski: "But Amanda would wear my balls as earrings if I ever used this man-fur to please other women."

Moi: "How did you even kn - Jesus, do you guys all have brunch after I call or something?"

*IFEELREALLYWEIRDAFTERWRITINGTHIS!*

I Hate My Bathroom Vent

[INT. LEVIN HOUSEHOLD - DAY]

[Alex has just returned from Washington DC to visit his family in Solon. It was a long drive, and he's exhausted. As he's about to enter the kitchen, his PHONE RINGS. He pulls it out to see who's calling, groans, and, against his better judgment, answers it.]

Alex: "This better not be another McGriddle story, I know there's syrup in the bread."

Moi: "Everybody knows that, Alex, welcome to the party. Listen, I need you to stay on the line with me for a minute. Don't ask questions."

Alex: "What are you -" [another voice calls] "...Yeah, sorry Jesse, I'll be right there."

Moi: "You sound distracted."

Alex: "Well, yeah, I'm visiting family, so I don't really have time - "

Moi: "Whatever, tell your cousin to put her clothes back on, this is urgent."

Alex: "I'm not - oh, fuck you. What the hell is so urgent?"

Moi: "I just need you to keep talking to me for a bit, to ensure my safety."

Alex: "What the hell are you talking about? What are you doing?"

[Pause. A flushing noise.]

Moi: "Never mind, we're cool."

Alex: "Wha - DID YOU JUST CALL ME ON THE JOHN?!"

Moi: "It's in the past now, Alex."

Alex: "THE HELL IT IS. WHAT IS GOING ON? WERE WE TALKING WHILE YOU WERE - ."

Moi: "Okay, first of all, it's perfectly natural - "

Alex: "NOT ON THE PHONE, IT ISN'T."

Moi: "And second of all, there was a good chance I could have been killed just now, Mr. Selfish Pants. So why don't you just get over your weird bathroom-conversation fixation, because I'm the one who's life was on the line."

Alex: "How was your life in danger? Does the toilet have a bomb on it?"

Moi: "Alright, look. I live in an older building, right? Bathroon fans weren't invented yet, so instead, the artchitects installed little windows in the wall that lead out to hell - it's just a window leading to this giant-ass vent, no barrier. I could climb out into the extremely dark air duct if I wanted to."

Alex: "This doesn't answer my toilet bomb question, OR THE QUESTION OF WHY I TALKED YOU THROUGH A BOWEL MOVEMENT."

Moi: "SETTING THE SCENE OVER HERE. So, bathroom equiped with dark, scary vent hovering directly over the toilet. And, as an added bonus, the fucking vents are so close together that I could probably reach over and high-five the guy next door while I'm taking a crap."

Alex: "Which you have, of course, done."

Moi: "I just feel like that's not a good way to introduce myself."

Alex: "Really? You don't want a friendship founded on a 'We're-Pooping-Together' celebratory high five?"

Moi: "My point here being, the vents look like something out of a Japanese horror movie. They are very dark, and big, and scary, and the lock doesn't work anymore, and I just know the second I spend too much time alone in here, something's going to crawl out of there and kill me."

Alex: "So... you're afraid to poop in your own apartment."

Moi: "I just know that one day I'll be sitting on the john, reading a magazine... innocently look up... and BAM, there's  some dead Japanese lady, reading the magazine over my shoulder with her tongue hanging out."

Alex: "I really feel like something crawling out of your vent with it's dead tits flapping around is something you should have worked out before you signed the lease."

Moi: "Right, because I'm sure I'll be focused on her rack as she strangles me with her freaky black hair."

Alex: "Wait. Why is she Japanese? Do you live in a renovated WWII-era internment camp?"

Moi: "She has to be Japanese."

Alex: "That doesn't make any sense."

Moi: "Sure it does, haven't you seen The Grudge?"

Alex: "But - you live in Oregon! Shouldn't the ghost be a dead hipster or something?"

Moi: "No."

Alex: "But - "

Moi: "NO."

Alex: "But - "

Moi: "SHE IS DEAD AND JAPANESE AND DRIVEN BY RAGE AGAINST THE MAN WHO WRONGED HER."

Alex: "But it's Portland! Everyone's white!"

Moi: "It's the Pacific Northwest, Alex, I can practically see Japan from my house."

Alex: "Fine. So you're worried that your bathroom is going to be haunted by a dead Japanese ghost - Japanese for no other reason that your weird, racist fixation."

Moi: "Thank you."

Alex: "And you called me because you're afraid to be alone in your bathroom for too long."

Moi: "Right."

Alex: "So I should expect more weird calls from you on the toilet in the future."

Moi: "Probably."

Alex: "...I'm hanging up now."

Moi: "Fine. Go back to cornholing your cousin."

Alex: "I'M NOT - HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME AT THE END OF THIS?!"

Moi: "GRAB HER LEGS, SHE'S BUCKING!"

*SLAM - click*

[3 Weeks Later...]

*Keeley shuts the bathroom door, magazine in hand. She glances warily up at the wall vent - nailed shut and plastered with caution tape. She sits down, fluffs open the magazine...

Minutes pass... the vent creaks. Her phone is on the sink - too far to reach. She feels light breathing on her shoulder... the slow scrape of nails against the wall... her heart is pouding... a deathly voice croaks:*

Dead Japanese Woman: "Ugh, Arcade Fire again? Now that they've won a Grammy, I just can't bring myself to care. All the songs sound the same now, and they say they're on an indie label, but they're completely following a mainstream marketing campaign - "

Moi: "Oh my God, would you shut up? I bet you don't even listen to the damn band."

Dead Japanese Woman: "Oh, okay, so let's just be hurtful."

*ITSLIKEACOMBINATIONOFTWOTERRIBLEEVILS!*

A Good First Impression

Inspired by an actual conversation with this guy.

[INT. DAVE'S ROOM - NIGHT]

[Keeley and Dave are playing "Left 4 Dead" on Steam. Over shotgun blasts and undead screams, Keeley speaks casually into the microphone.]

Moi: "Dave, I need you to do me a favor."

Dave: "Unlikely."

Moi: "There's an apartment in the Northwest District that just opened up, and I called the lady today, and she wants to give it to me. But I don't want to rent it site unseen, because you don't know what you're actually getting. Like the last place, where the guy in high heels was taking a long brunch - "

Dave: "Keeley, listening to you summarize something is worse than watching you waste half a clip on that dead fat man you're shooting at."

Moi: "I need you to look at an apartment in Portland for me."

Dave: "Done. Details?"

Moi: "The apartment manager can meet with you around 2 o'clock. Her name is Mary Jane - "

Dave: "DRESSING AS SPIDERMAN."

Moi: "NOPE."

Dave: "YEP."

Moi: "NOOOOOOPE."

Dave: "Try to stop me, you can't."

Moi: "Funny story, Dave - I actually want this apartment, so you're not doing that."

Dave: "Maybe she'll be so blown away by my creativity that she'll immediately give you the apartment at a discounted rate and then take me back into her office for some unrated superpowered action."

Moi: "No Spiderman suit and no realtor desk nastiness."

Dave: "You never let me do anything fun."

Moi: "I'll email you the address."

Dave: "Fine."

Moi: "No Spiderman suit."

Dave: "Fine."

Moi: "Thank you."

Dave: "Fine. Stop slapping me with that first aid pack."

Moi: "I'm trying to heal you, moron!"

Dave: "THEN BUY A DOUBLE CLICK MOUSE, MAC USER."

[INT. FRANCIS COURT APARTMENTS - THE NEXT DAY]

[Keeley apologizes to the realtor over the phone.]

Moi: "I'm so sorry, Mary Jane, he said he'd come."

Mary Jane: "That's okay, we can always reschedule a time - Oh! Hang on, I think I see someone coming."

[A pause.]

Mary Jane: "...He wouldn't be wearing a Spiderman suit, would he?"

Moi: "Nope."

Mary Jane: "Are you s- "

Moi: "YEP."

*WELLATLEASTSHECANBLOGABOUTIT!*

There's a Lawyer Joke In Here Somewhere

[INT. KEELEY'S HOUSE - A DECEMBER DAY:]

[The doorbell RINGS. As Keeley goes to answer it, Alex BURSTS into the foyer.]

Alex: "WHO WANTS TO PARTY LIKE A FUTURE LAWYER?!"

Moi: "AHAAA! I heard someone just took the LSAT! Congratulations!

Alex: "Well, you know, third time's the charm, am I right?"

Moi: "YEA -...What a second, you signed up to take the LSAT three times? What happened the other two times?"

Alex: "...Pretty sure you know what happened, Keeley."

Moi: "Why would I know?"

[INT. ATHENS, OH, Spring 2010 - Two Hour Before The LSAT]

[At his desk, Alex closes his LSAT practice book. He stands to leave - the door SLAMS open, Keeley stands there grinning.]

Moi: "HEY ALEX, GUESS WHO JUST LEARNED HOW TO PROJECTILE VOMIT!?"

[Back to PRESENT DAY - ]

Alex: "It was like a terrifying human sprinkler that wouldn't stop until it hit every item on my desk."

Moi: "Are you sure that was me? That doesn't sound like me."

Alex: "PRETTY SURE IT WAS YOU, KEELEY."

Moi: "Well, what happened the second time?"

[INT. CLEVELAND STATE UNIVERSITY, Summer 2010 - One Hour Before The LSAT]

[Alex navigates a campus building, looking for the LSAT testing room. He examines a paper, turns a corner - to find KEELEY in front of him, surrounded by a large GROUP OF PEOPLE.]

Moi: "HEY ALEX, GUESS WHO JUST FOUND OUT THAT THERE'S A PROJECTILE VOMITING CLUB?!"

[Back to PRESENT DAY - ]

Alex: "I was in the Trauma Unit for THREE DAYS after that little display."

Moi: "Ah, so that's why you didn't go see Inception with us."

Alex: "Point being, I managed to get through the toughest standardized test in America without you vomiting on me, and I think that's cause for celebration. So if you feel like coming over later to get drunk and play Infamous, my door's open."

Moi: "...So I take it you would mind if I invited the projectile vomiting dance squad and marching band."

Alex: "...Why in God's name do those exist?"

Moi: "Oh, you should see them. The mess is unimaginable."

*THEYWERETHEONLYREASONTOGOTOTHECLUBFAIR!*

PS - Congrats to Alex Levin on surviving the LSAT. We raise our glasses to him.